just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
