I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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