Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
