I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
ttyl tear gas
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
