Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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