zippers are such a cool invention
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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