I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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