I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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