My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
