3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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