Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
