if i can run in heels then i can drive
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
