Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Come see our sink grown plant.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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