Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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