I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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