Redeem this text for a blowjob
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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