My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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