Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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