I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
