yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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