well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
