After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
