Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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