I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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