Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
