I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
