Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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