i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
