I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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