unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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