everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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