i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
