whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
we're chasing vodka with high fives
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
