I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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