I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
