Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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