Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
