I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
