I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
