Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
