What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
