I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
