What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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