Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
