So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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