DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
