Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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