1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
i believe in u and ur pee
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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