apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
