Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
