did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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