I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
