I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
