need another drink. this is the easiest way
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
