he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
In America we eat man semen.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
