you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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