I wish I could teleport
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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