Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
