Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
